Let’s Talk Body…..

As humans we are amazing and as women, we are magnificent.  BUT, lately I’ve been struggling with body issues.  I hate pictures of myself.  I’m a small woman, yes, I know that.  However, I’ve had two babies, the last being 14 years ago.  So, I have the sagginess that comes with that. I’ve lost whatever butt I have, and it all hit me really hard when we went on vacation recently.  I’m 37 and my self-esteem has dropped rock bottom.  I take selfies with friends, husband or the kids and all I see are imperfections with my smile, my freckles, my teeth aren’t white enough, crow’s feet around my eyes, etc.  I literally pick myself apart!

The real get me moment was when my husband was taking pictures of me playing with the kids in my bikini at the beach.  I mean I was like OMG! Never again.   Stretch marks, not tight skin and figure, which is nothing new but man I was floored! I want my kids to have pictures of us together in these moments, but I was so disgusted that I wanted to wear a sweat suit the rest of the time.  I’ve always had that modo “no one knows me at the beach, so I don’t care”, never see those people again ya know?  Well, I no longer feel that way.

As women we should be ok with our bodies, whether we have stretch marks, overweight, or whatever the case.  I love to lay on the beach, sun bath and just take it all in but this has really hit me hard. I want to feel comfortable in my body. Everyone says “you’re so tiny, I would love to be that small”.  Well, ladies it’s not that easy and add being really short to it and it’s even worse. I hate how little my ankles and calves are, nothing fits right, not even leggings.  My arms are too long and skinny and just look awkward.  My stomach and thighs are flabby and well we know what happens to the boob area after two kids and breast feeding.  UGH!!!!!  Like I said I’m just struggling so much lately.

What are your tips and tricks for boosting your self esteem?

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You are enough!

2af0a1f714d28983a4e980b2e24564b7I haven’t put anything up in a bit, it’s been somewhat crazy in my house lately.  And it makes me ask myself, am I enough?  Am I enough for these little humans that depend on me?

Let me start by saying this, I love them.  We went from all of our kids being grown to starting all over.  But I love it, I love children.  Sometimes finding a balance between our mom and dad world and time for us is a chore, I mean I don’t even remember the last time we were alone lol.  But anyways, these little babes are my world and my priority in life.  I work, clean, cook, pay bills, kiss boo boos, and everything else in between. I work PRN (as needed) so that I can make my schedule around the kiddos, but I still find myself asking “Am I enough?”.

I endure tantrums, tantrums that last hours sometimes.  I’ve read the books and every piece of literature that I can get on dealing with different issues, but nothing is like living it.  I mess up daily, this I admit but I try.  And we’re not talking about toddler tantrums, older kid tantrums. Throwing stuff, yelling, ear piercing screaming and while this is going on, I just try to remember everything books and therapists have told me (don’t engage, don’t try to rationalize while at peak tantrum, ignore) but really, I sit here and think omg when does it end!?!  And eventually it does but then their exhausted, I’m exhausted, hell I think the dogs are even exhausted.

I do everything to avoid these episodes.  I know the triggers and what sets it off.  Most of the time it’s a simple “no” or them not getting their way for the majority.  I just think sometimes, I am not enough, and it made me think about other moms.  Other moms must feel the same!  But I am here to tell you that we are enough.

Who cares if we forgot to pack one snack that day and the teacher gave your kid something instead? Who cares if we miss one day of baths because mom is too tired to do anything other than take care of the kids and ensure they are fed and ready for the next day (and maybe because she forgot to wash the towels and there are none)?  Who cares if the kid’s hair looks like bedhead, well because it is and so is mom’s lol?

I mean really those things are the last things that these kids are going to think about when they are 20+ something and reminiscing.  They’re going to think about the family get togethers, movie nights on a pile of blankets in the floor with a big bowl of popcorn, time you spent with them, crazy things that they did, and you did that neither one of you want to admit lol.  We hold ourselves to such high standards that are pretty much unreachable.  We’re too hard on ourselves to see that we are doing everything and then some.

So mommas, when you’ve had a bad couple of weeks like I have and still can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel remember YOU ARE ENOUGH! You got this!  And maybe someday I’ll listen to myself when I say that because believe me when I say it’s been rough lately, but this too shall pass.

On a serious note….

This month and the next few months have so many special and important things coming for us.  I’ll be honest, I don’t attend church but occasionally but I do consider myself blessed and thankful to God for those in my life.

We have lived in our small home for over 5 years now and as foster parents it has seen so many little ones come and go.  It’s cozy and warm.  It’s my little fixer upper I guess you could say.  With that being said we will finally be purchasing this home of ours at the end of the month.  I have worried for years that we would never get to this point but we have!

On another note, I mentioned the foster parenting above.  Well, in the next month or so we will be signing our intent to adopt on our three littles with adoption happening in the months after.  In our small town it shouldn’t take that long (hopefully).  It makes me reminisce about the day I brought them home to THIS home and at that time I was in a very high pressure college program completing my degree but I could not say no.  I didn’t have class that day so I went and picked them up from DCBS, brought them home, and here I sat with a 4-month-old, 14-month-old, and a 4-year-old.  As I looked around my living room that had never been so cluttered with the baby things that I had purchased the night before, I thought to myself “what have I gotten myself into?”.  The four year old already calling me mommy which I tried and tried to correct but to no success, the super quiet infant, and the wild toddler running around.  The two oldest were like they had been let out for the first time in their lives.  I knew I was in for it.  For the longest time it was chaos.  I tried everything that I could think of to obtain some sort of structure and routines.  I tried visual charts showing the oldest what happened every step of the day, reward charts due to severe tantrums, parenting books which some were pretty awesome, therapists, and everything else I could do to help mainly the struggling 4-year-old.

We worked and worked in every way possible to help her and it was so worth it.  Now, I note in this that I am looking back after having them for two years.  Were there times that I wanted to throw the towel in?  Absolutely.  Did I threaten it often? Yup.  But now I thank God that I didn’t, she is excelling in kindergarten, doing great at home and daycare after school.  We talk to her about things she needs to talk about.  I make sure that she knows that she will forever have two mommies and two daddies, I would never try to replace them no matter what the circumstances.

We will always have our struggles in life, nothing is perfect.  I have had so many children, even my own with troubles and struggles but if I could say anything to a mom or dad struggling today is hang in there, find that person to vent to, get a village (it takes a village to raise a child ya know), do whatever you need to do but know this, there is an end in sight and a child that loves you and that means more than anything in this entire world.

Fostering isn’t easy, parenting isn’t easy, heck this life and world today isn’t easy but we can make it together.  Never be ashamed to ask for help!  Lord knows I have often over the years.

Saturday funday :(

You know when you are a child and your waiting on that big snow and then it comes and it’s a dusting that is melted off by the time everyone gets up.  Oh, the disappointment.  Well, I feel this as an adult today.  Why you ask? Because my kids are bored in the house, all the hundreds of toys they got for Christmas don’t mean anything.   They’re having a blast torturing each other while I hear mom screamed at me 29834982374 times.  Dang weather people got it wrong again, I was hoping to get them out of the house but not to play in mud in 30 degree weather but actual snow.  It’s a blast around here today.  Three children under the age of six who love going at each other all day.  

But you know the silver lining in this?  Nap time. It’s a small amount of time were as a parent I use bribery such as “if you don’t take a nap you’re not getting your tablet, toy or whatever you want back”.  That buys me a couple of hours if I’m lucky haha.  

I read an article earlier in between screams and fights from my kids and it immediately caught my eye, it was titled “Psychologists suggest mothers take breaks by going on mom-cations”. 

Sorry to cut this short but I got to pack!!!

Photo courtesy of http://clipart-library.com/cartoon-beach-scene.html

Laughter is the best medicine, even if it is a squeak

You know that saying God never gives you more than you can handle?  Well lol, I’m not so sure. 

Sometimes I feel like I am just barely getting it done.  Kind of like when you’re in college and youhave a million assignments due so you half ass it just to get it all done andhope for a C or above.   Well that’s me…  Matching socks has become a past time in thishousehold but good thing it’s back in style, right? Ha!  Running out of paper plates in my house islike a national emergency to me.  Puttingclothes away, hell I’d rather go to the dentist LOL. 

Don’t get me started on taking care of yourself.  When you pick the kids up, feed them, bathethem, get them ready for bed, and stuff out for the next day…. Who has time forbathing themselves LOL?  By that time, I’mfalling over.  I mean sure I could bewashing those stupid dishes or hanging up that insane amount of laundry but isit more important than me sitting on the couch having my ME time?  Absolutely not!  I’m selfish that way. 

So, after I fall over from exhaustion I wake up and do it allover again.  Ever seen the circus? That’swhat my morning looks like, that is if all of the monkeys got loose and were torturingthe crowd.  I have a game plan most ofthe time and a routine if you can even call it that lol.  I wake up LATE, yell at everyone to hurryhurry hurry!!!  Picture sloths here.  I get the older kids ready by throwingclothes at them and yelling some more. Then get the 3-year-old ready because she doesn’t run around after likea crazed animal like the two-year-old does. Then this folks is when the fun starts, the two-year-old.  He’s like a Tasmanian devil lol.  Literally have to hold onto him throughoutthe process of diapering, dressing, and cleaning him up because somehow afterhis bath last night he looks like a someone who had been washed and hung up to dry.  Oh, and he has a whole new routine, when wego to brush his hair he now needs hair spray and then deodorant put on, he’s two!  But he has to smell good for the girls atdaycare I guess?

I cart them all to daycare dragging the two-year-old to the truck,taking the blankie away from the thumb sucking three-year-old and thenlistening to her cry the whole way to the vehicle.  And it never fails, EVER, that in the 10minute drive to daycare the two-year-old sheds his socks and shoes.   So, thenI have to repeat that process when I get to daycare which I sometimes show upto in my pajamas because let’s face it what’s more important a tardy or adressed mom?  Those tardy officers willget you!  I choose jammies.  So yes, I am that mother.  As all of the other moms are walking into daycareall dressed up in heals and plastered on makeup, I look like I am homeless.  But you know what is important here?  My kids are there, they made it to their destinations,are clothed, and loved.  Loved enoughthat I no longer care about my appearance lol. I mean really who am I trying to impress?  Not a single freaking person. 

So, now that I have told you my amazing routine, imagine that WITHOUT a voice.  Just think about it for a second.  Yelling orders at kids, impossible.  And don’t forget the fact that you really overslept good this time because the cough syrup you took the night before knocked you on your ass.  I sounded like a damn mouse squeaking this morning at my kids.  They LAUGHED at me!  LAUGHED!!!  Then upon arrival at daycare as I was handing my shoeless and sockless two-year-old to his favorite worker, she LAUGHED at me!! LOL.  Well when I got back into the truck to drive back home, wearing actual clothes I might add, I laughed.  Laughed at myself the whole way home.  Sure, it was a squeak instead of my actual laugh but I laughed LOL. 

Clip art courtesy of http://cliparts.co/clip-art-cleaning-lady

So Many Ppl Call Me Mom!!

My life!  I swear I can’t make this shit up.  It’s been a crazy ride for the majority of it and continues to get crazier LOL.  Let’s start from the beginning shall we…..

I got married at the young age of 16, yes I know, I can hear the Kentuckian jokes now.  I married, then had my first child at 17, a little boy who stole my heart.  I had never known love until being a mother.  

Ok so fast forward a few years and I’m a young single divorced mother.  That is until this day 15 years ago when I met the love of my life.  Never mind the fact that he had three small children!  But I loved them.  So, here I am around 22ish with 4 small boys, three of which were toddlers and a husband who worked a LOT.  And then it happened, went in for a repeat pap and they tell me ummm sweetie you can’t have a pap today, your PREGNANT!  I said this is insane I’m on the shot, I mean how does that even happen?!?!  Anyways this baby was meant to be and was happening 🙂 and after a miserable pregnancy and right before Christmas we have another baby BOY haha.  I still remember the midwife looking at me WHILE I was pushing (barely could see her head popping up from between my legs) and said “wait you married a man with 3 kids?!?!?”. Yes.  Yes, I did.  That makes five folks, five boys haha.  

They were so young when we got together that they are truly brothers.  There was never a dull moment in my house with constant conversations about penises, fighting, and memories.  Soooooo outnumbered as the only female in the household. 

So, after our youngest was born the husband had a vasectomy, I wasn’t a fan, I wanted more kids.  And it haunted me, how maybe I could’ve had a little girl, a redheaded little girl to be on mom’s team! 

Fastfoward again, years and years later, about 14 to be exact…..

My boys are all grown except for one who graduates high school this year and one who just turned 14.  See, a few years ago I finally talked the husband into becoming foster parents, something I had wanted to do since I was young.  However, in my head I had built it into this “I can save these kids and it will be a wonderful and lovely world”, ha!  I was delusional lol.  We’ve been doing this for three years.  It’s been insane, lovely, and crazy.  Anything that could happen and the horror stories you hear, yep they have happened to us.  

So, here we are, we met 15 years ago this date, and wait for it….. we have eight kids.  Yep, you heard right e.i.g.h.t. kids.   We have three foster placements two little girls and one little boy and they have been with us almost two years.  My life is nothing short of insane.  

Happy New Year Everybody!!! And Happy Anniversary to my Hubby! 

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.

~ Richard Bach